December 13, 2005

BY DOUG ELFMAN TELEVISION CRITIC

There used to be a lot of Homos in the world, but they killed each other off, froze to death or had sex with each other until they morphed into better tanners. There were Homo erectus ("Java man"), Homo ergaster ("workman") and Homo georgicus ("Georgia man" -- Georgia as in crazy Joseph Stalin, not Georgia as in crazy Zell Miller).

Contestants on reality shows are the last Homos, sapiens ("modern man"), even though they often seem like neanderthalensis. It's important to remember the Homo lineage, because reality shows (or "game shows," to be more accurate) thrive on a trait that serves both evolution and extinction: competition.

This week, such competition is in full swing:

*On Sunday, "Survivor: Guatemala" wrapped with a winner, Danni Boatwright of Tonganoxie, Kan., the beauty contestant with the zany eyes and "KC" hat. She beat 17 opponents who solved puzzles and games on an island. It took her 39 days to win $1 million. It took CBS less than 90 seconds of commercials to get it back, if Adweek is correct about "Survivor" ad prices.

*Tuesday brings the last lap of "The Amazing Race: Family Edition" (8 tonight, WBBM-Channel 2). The title makes it sound like "Family Feud," which would also fit. Three families will ride boats, swing on trapezes and bicker in an effort to win, as Dr. Evil would say, $1 million. One of the remaining families, the Bransens (a dad and three daughters), lives in Park Ridge.

*And on Thursday, Donald Trump's "The Apprentice" (8 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5) finishes its fourth go-round. Two tycoon wannabes will vie not for a million bucks, but to be one of The Hair's executive drones. Finalists include Rebecca Jarvis, a University of Chicago alum who has worked as a Crain's Chicago Business journalist.

Of these three game shows, "The Apprentice" is the most civilized representative of Homo sapiens, although Trump can be a real Cro-Magnon. He fired a woman last week and told her, "You're lovely. ... But you're not strong enough for this city." Oh, to be a lovely lady loser.

For years, it has amused me whenever an acquaintance or girlfriend told me she'd be perfect for the show, as she fancied herself ruthless or hyper enough to thrive on such scenarios.

But if you look at the pedigrees of Jarvis and her rival Randal Pinkett, you'll see they're not simply intimidating but accomplished and persistent.

Pinkett, 34, was a Rhodes Scholar. He earned a doctorate at MIT. He runs a multimillion-dollar tech and consulting firm. He's done nothing but win on "Apprentice," even while mourning the death of a dear grandmother.

Jarvis, 23, studied economics and pre-law at U. of C. She has worked as an investment banker. She started a children's charity. In 2000, Teen People named her one of 20 teenagers "who will change the world." She reaches Thursday's climax despite hobbling on a broken ankle for weeks.

To get back to Homos, Jarvis' online bio claims a favorite book is Ecce Homo: How One Becomes What One Is. That's the scattered autobiography of the insane nihilist and one-time theology student Friedrich Nietzsche, in which he claimed the title of decadent Anti-Christ.

"Apprentice" applicants who don't know Nietzsche have something else to worry about. Jarvis wasn't a viewer of "The Apprentice" before becoming a contestant. She worked so much she didn't have time to watch. So if your schedule allows you to follow "The Apprentice," you're probably not suited to being on it.

Game-show wannabes could settle for being on "The Amazing Race." It merely requires backbiting whiners; that open enrollment also makes it unwatchable. Last week, competing families drove to Wyoming to build a teepee, then to Montana to find errant balls on a golf course. The camera focused on people's backs as they ran, or their faces as they bitched at each other.

Last week, the Illinois foursome of Godlewski sisters lost, and one sister said after, "I definitely came into the race thinking that we would all learn to be more accepting of each other. But that's just not the way it turned out." Just a thought, but acceptance comes from conflict resolution or maturity or something like that, not stinky, stressful road trips.

By comparison, giant puzzle board games and other brain twisters juiced up this *1/2 season of "Survivor: Guatemala," but it ended with another unbearably dull challenge. Three finalists stood on little seesawlike boards for almost three hours until two of them fell. Let's see ... watching "Survivor" ... watching paint dry ... "Survivor" ... paint -- it's a tie.

In a "Survivor" reunion show that aired immediately after the finale (more ad dollars), host Jeff Probst acted shocked that contestant Rafe Judkins passed up a chance to win. Judkins succumbed to a moral dilemma at the last minute and released the eventual winner, Boatwright, from her obligation to vote Judkins into the last round.

You see, Judkins -- the most consistent winner week to week, who previously described himself as a Mormon homosexual -- found he was not that cutthroat, proving him to be one of the only humans on any of these shows unwilling to barter conscience for money. He did this though he believes the Mormon church wouldn't even claim him, since he's looking for the love of a good husband.

Boatwright, meanwhile, freed of her debt to Judkins, cast him away and was thus rewarded as America's newest D-list celebrity millionaire. An evolutionary success story.